Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
