does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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