Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
