When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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