went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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