the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize