I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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