Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Congratulations! We have a period
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
