the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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