Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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