also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
