Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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