Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
