I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
