I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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