you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
