Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
