The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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