3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
