she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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