dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
