ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
