I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
