Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
