he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
