i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
