i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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