I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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