You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
