I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
