he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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