If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
