My cat gives me a boner
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
