Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
