i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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