Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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