Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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