My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
