The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize