Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
