my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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