remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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