I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize