He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
