I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
