My friends, they love my intelligence
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
