I think im going to throw up on grandma
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
