So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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