Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
