Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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