So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
