I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My vagina is officially offended.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize