Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
