Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
