the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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