So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
