Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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