Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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