Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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