So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
