Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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