we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
