I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
