i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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