If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
