Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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